I’ve been increasingly looking for a productive approach to venting. In an uncharacteristically overloaded year, I’ve often comforted those colleagues who are stressed and need to vent. I’ve wanted (and want) them to feel better. But at the end of a colleague’s vent, I’ve felt worn out and, futilely, they’ve seemed more hopeless. I worry that my attempts to help are being counterproductive.
Thing is, I understand their pain. When I’m stressed and overwhelmed, I take to emotional venting. My wife is my patient witness. Like my colleagues, I want the stress to go away. Sharing this stress with willing listeners feels cathartic in an attempt to dispel the gripping stress.
But it almost never works. I leave a wave of unresolved negative energy behind and, in its wake, numerous unfortunate listeners.
Accepting the inevitability of listener casualties and caustic lectures can’t be the shrugged-offered solution. It’s undoubtedly true that the drive to share our pain (and suffer together) is human. C. S. Lewis once said: “Those who are […] suffering something, together, are companions.” We’re social animals so perhaps we’re looking to have others bond through our shared pain.
It is also true that sharing our stress and frustrations can be cathartic, especially when we feel heard and validated. It’s a way to unwind the dizzying onslaught of the day’s demands. Additionally, venting offers us an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, if we’re willing to listen. As we share our frustrations, we learn more about what frustrates us and perhaps a little insight into why (see https://www.healthshots.com/mind/emotional-health/is-venting-good-for-stress-and-mental-health/).
But the guide to productive venting lies ultimately in the intended outcome – especially an outcome that is action and solution oriented. Venting with no solution or insight based destination, is a one-way trip to misery canyon.
When we allow venting to spiral, it amplifies the emotions rather than helps them to dissipate. As a daily mindfulness mediator, I’ve learned (the hard way) that engaging in self-combat with, or worse, self-justification of, negative emotions can be particularly ineffective. Emotions cannot be rationalized away (damn it!). The more we rationalize them, the more we amplify them. They come and go on their own, in their own time. It’s our job to accept and learn from them and use our new-found insights to structure a better life.
Venting offers us the same opportunity. So there are a few ways I’m trying improve my relationship with venting, whether it’s my own or in helping others.
Productive Venting Starts Here
- Start with empathy – with yourself and others. Appreciate that the emotions are there for a reason – a reason we’ll look for later. But at the beginning try to patiently understand and validate the emotions. If you’re doing this for yourself, I like to engage with my emotions as though they’re independent from me by engaging in internal-dialogue that validates their existence. I’ll think, “thanks for sharing this with me. I understand how you could feel so angry about this situation. You deserve respect.” The key here is to remember that emotions are independent of your response, otherwise it is easy to find yourself amplifying the emotions.
- Don’t allow the “venting” phase of the conversation to go on too long. Crisis counselling operators are taught early to refocus the conversations of those who call-in to vent. Once venting has started, it’s hard to stop (see https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/design-your-path/201108/anger-management-the-five-ws-healthy-venting). You’ll know when the venting has gone on too long when the conversation starts to repeat itself rather than move forward. At this point, you’ll want to start looking for the insights that inform action.
- Be open to insights. Emotions are excellent at signalling to us something about our experience. But it is sometimes hard to know what they’re communicating. This is where journaling or a trusted friend is valuable. Journals give us just enough space to see our written response as independent of us. It makes it easier to see the patterns. Friends can naturally do this – as long as they offer observation insights and don’t simply empathize. When you vent, friends who give you insight will improve your life; friends who only offer empathy, as generous as it is, may never help you move forward.
- Have a propensity toward action. To let something go, sometimes all we need is a plan that offers a brighter future. It’s a known fact that a task without a plan takes up space in our mind whereas even a simple plan, like scheduling the task for a specific time tomorrow, allows our mind to let go. Likewise an unresolved emotion has nowhere to go without a path toward something better, even when that requires acceptance. For example, this past year has been one of the toughest years of my work-life. I was constantly overloaded with shifting priorities. I couldn’t change this. But I could change other areas of my life, like taking walks, meditating daily, and eating healthy foods. This problem-adjacent plans don’t solve the problem itself. But they give a sense of control over that which must be accepted.
